We’re ready for this…I think.

Are we surprised with this diagnosis? You bet. Surprised by the support of friends and family? Not at all. Thank you to everyone who has been reaching out to let us know that our little fam is in your thoughts and prayers. It really does lift us up in an otherwise unpleasant time.

I can’t describe how we are all feeling right now, but we are doing OK. When people ask how Scott is, initially I would admit he was a little broken. Because c’monnn …. this wasn’t supposed to happen again; he’s not supposed to be here. He already beat cancer! That said, you will not be surprised to learn that after the initial shock/sadness passed, that his positive attitude prevails, and he is hopeful and optimistic – ready to battle once more. It is admirable, inspiring and encouraging that he will bring that X Factor once more. He knows that his life is in good hands, and has complete trust in his team and the care they provide.

With almost four years since initial diagnosis, there are some things that we forgot, but for the most part were pretty familiar with the routine and surroundings. We are both very aware of how all of this may affect the kids, and I am very focused on keeping life as “normal” and routined as possible at home, while Scott is away getting well. That’s how I am channeling my anxiety for now – scheduling their time and making sure they see their Dad as much as possible. That and I am hyper-focusing on organizing their dressers, closets and off-season clothing storage for some reason. With the advantage of not being completely blindsided by this diagnosis, I am approaching my side of things logistically. Preparing as much as possible based on previous experience, aware that of course, things can change on a dime.

The kids are four years older (what!! how did that happen?!) which brings its advantages along with challenges. We always try to be as honest and straightforward with them as a given situation allows, without overly informing them. We sat them down on Boxing Day and told them what is going on – that Daddy’s cancer is back, he will be in the hospital for a while, and that he will need medicine to make him healthy again. During treatment he may look and act a bit differently because he won’t be feeling so good. They asked if he would lose his hair again (MJ especially remembers that) and even helped him shave it off before heading into the hospital. Being able to communicate with them, and warn them of what is going to go down is such a great difference. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t angry that we even need to be having these conversations with them.

They are more independent, distractible and most importantly – in school full time. The most dramatic different is that Leigh was a baby, still nursing and doing other 1-year old things when Scott was admitted in 2015. A completely different phase. Now she is a little person, ready to visit Daddy and draw photos for his walls and use “Kids Messenger” to video chat him when he needs cheering up. On that note, bless iPads and that awesome FaceTime technology. It is amazing, and I have never appreciated the ability to see my kids faces when I am not around. They are each very fortunate to have their own iPads, and since Scott has been away are allowed to go and video call him any time they want. He can decide if he is up for it, but it means that they can feel like he is still accessible. It sounds so simple, but that is just great. We used it a lot over the holidays when they were home and we were at the hospital for extended periods. I love it. Well, maybe not the 6am calls from eager friends hoping to chat before breakfast, but you take the bad with the good 🙂 Right now they seem to be adjusting to the changes around the house but as we get deeper into Scott’s treatment I am guessing that may change. And that’s the shitty* side of them being older… that they will experience it all with more awareness, and be vulnerable to more mature feelings and questions. Unfortunately I can’t keep them in a bubble.

We are so grateful to everyone who has shared their willingness to help with the kids, in any capacity. It is an amazing feeling that all I need to do is ask. They are lucky children to have so much love around them, and it is that love that will help them come through this stronger and more confident.

*I tried other synonyms but they didn’t feel right.