Hoping for sweet dreams

In the early weeks of my pregnancies all I wanted was to start feeling sick, and experience more symptoms, because (to me) that meant that baby was growing. Every day that I wasn’t feeling like a hungover zombie was one that I stressed about the status of my pregnancy. For me, morning sickness = healthy baby (even though one does not in fact depend on the other). Then as if overnight, I would feel like garbage, and curse myself for not enjoying those short weeks of feeling well.

That’s how Scott has been feeling since chemo finished up on Wednesday evening. Waiting nervously to feel awful, because for him feeling terrible = remission. It means the chemo is working. His re-induction back in February 2016 hit him HARD, and he experienced infections, fevers, pain and rather unpleasant GI disruptions. But, in the end he went into remission, which lead to being ready for transplant. So he has been waiting with a “give me all you’ve got” attitude, anticipating that dump truck to hit him at any time because he knows it will all be worth it, like it was the first time.

Well, ask and you shall receive? As of yesterday morning our guy is feeling the effects of three different types of chemo making their way through his body, describing himself as feeling hollow and weak. As I type this I am reminded it has only been 3 days since chemo finished, but when you’re confined to a hospital bed, 3 days of waiting to feel like your treatment is working feels like forever. And his days are long; starting at 5am when blood is drawn and vitals are taken, and not ending until late in the evening when the hospital has settled down for the night. His daily visits from friends and family make so much of a difference in how he feels, so I am grateful for all of those visits as well. I can leave to go home to the kids confident that he’s in good company.

Last night brought an overwhelming panic attack, where despite being reassured that his fever/pain/hollowness is expected, Scott felt powerless and anxious over what the night ahead would bring, and weather he would be able to sleep. And that may sound odd… with all he has going on, and the option to nap at any time, why is getting to sleep at night cause for concern? Well, when everything is out of your control, and your mind – along with all of its power for positive thinking – also has the potential to torment you with ‘what ifs’ and loneliness, getting to sleep through the night is crucial. I relate it to the feeling of having a sick child, where the sleepless nights caring for your baby feel scarier and lonelier than the days, and all you want is for dawn to break, because everything is better in the morning. I think that’s how he feels. Like, “just get me through this night so that I can start another day and get.this.done. “

He is currently enjoying a Benadryl-induced sleep, after being transfused with platelets earlier this morning. I don’t expect much to be happening today aside from antibiotics for the fever, and maybe some more transfusions. He apologizes when he has been sleeping for a long time, or even nodding off through a visit, but all of his visitors want to see him get rest! Sleep the time away. If we can be here for a short convo between naps, that’s great. Plus, then I get control of the remote 😉